Skepticblog

Yes, I have already done my first and no doubt not the last seance for Michael Jackson. I wanted to be the first but it only took minutes for every other medium and medium wannabe to jump on the glory wagon to fame and fortune by making proclamations of contact with the King of Pop. How long did it take for Lady Diana to get her share of the mediumistic spotlight? It probably took a few more days for the British mediums to haul out their bells, books and candles on that one, the English being known for being only slightly more reserved in such matters. I was cajoled by The SGU crew to “put one on” during the podcast interview I did with them between all the lectures and frolicking at TAM7. I just had to break out in a trance. I felt it coming on soon after I saw the face of MJ in the mottled rust pattern formed on a baggage maintenance box. I clearly saw it smiling back at me as I was lifting off the runway at LAX  for Las Vegas. I’m only doing what comes naturally…

For the rest of the month of July, I was in a quandary. I found myself in deep moments of frightful indecision when I had to choose who would top the seance bill that month. A media medium has to be prepared to go with the flow. It would be a inexcusable breach of etiquette to make a bad celebrity choice. Would it be Farrah Fawcett or Michael Jacskon? Life is full of such decisions and I never know if Larry King might ring me up and ask me to contact Farrah or Michael or whoever keeled over that day. One has to remain au’ current you know.  There’s no use spoiling over yesterday’s news. I can’t be bothered keeping up with all the Billy Mays’, Karl Maldens or Gale Storms out there. It’s only the fresh stiffs that are still room temperature that Larry, Oprah and “The View” want to talk about to insure only the very highest ratings. 

THIS JUST IN: Perhaps if I went into a trance tonight and burst into a chorus of “Puff the Magic Dragon” or held a giant flower and recited odd poems like, “…I couldn’t think of a poem this week,” I might manage to channel the spirits of  Mary Travers or Henry Gibson for CNN. Am I being morbid here? Or is this truly the way Modern Mediums plot  their  best shots? Ask Larry or Oprah. I hate to break it to you folks who think differently, but this is how it works. Just look at the tabloids or the Internet after Googling around the psychic medium world. Sick, sick sick.

Mary "If I Had a Hammer" Travers: RIP

This consatnt media watch can put an awful burden on us phony mediums. Must we always be checking the obits for celebrity woo? If it was up to me, I would pass on the whole Hollywood bunch and go with a much more interesting soul like that of Waldo McBurney, (1902- July 2009) the 106 year old beekeeper who had the distinction of being the oldest worker in the United States. Now there is s person I would be happy to channel any time. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Forget MJ’s quirky personality and all that make-up. It’s too much work doing the moonwalk on the seance table when I could just spout earthy Kansas style wisdom like Waldo and get just as much personal satisfaction doing the 106 year old routine. But who am I among so many?

We have “E-How: How to do Just About Everything”at www.ehow.com/how_5223473_connect-michael-jackson-after-death.html telling us “How to Connect with Michael Jackson.” It’s easy as pie:

“You may have never been able to meet Michael Jackson while he was alive, but now after his death, you may be able to connect with him through the spirit world. Michael Jackson’s sudden and early death may have left him in limbo for awhile and not able to pass quickly to the other side. Take this opportunity to connect with Michael Jackson. SEEK HELP – Find a seer, psychic, medium or clairvoyant to help you connect with Michael Jackson in the spirit world. Psychics will be able to help you with the best techniques to contact Michael Jackson in the spirit world. Most likely they will charge a fee for this service. If so make sure that you ask them what you will be getting for your money and in what circumstances you can expect a refund. Ask them what the chances are that you will make a connection with Michael Jackson or another spirit. The psychic may be able to read signs that you would not even notice.”

Oh Yeah baby. I’ll be happy to read those signs for you. And yes, I’m afraid I do have a minimum fee for services rendered. Otherwise insincere people might not attach any real value to what may be a most taxing effort on my part. Sorry, no refunds. Any deposits made in advance will be credited for one year if there is a cancellation for any reason. That includes any unforeseen deaths, but not to worry; we can always cobble together a seance for that person too. That’s really the best I can offer. With Halloween coming, I’m booking up rather fast. With all the gyrating fields of uncertain economic energy I have sensed emanating in my recent aura readings, plan now. Mine is a first-come, first-served enterprise – so it’s best to book early this year.

Me, In situ circa 2000

If you are new to the seancing world and brave enough to give it a try on your own without any guidance; spiritual or otherwise, there’s always the ever faithful Quija Board for you Do-It-Yourself types. But Beware: I cannot be held responsible for bleeding walls, cracked mirrors or the speaking in tongues if you decide to go it on your own. This is a job for a professional! Don’t be tricked into thinking just anybody can do this stuff. Don’t try this at home and keep away from open flames!

As the Dangers of the Paranormal website warns us at www.thedotpproject.com, you can never be too careful. According to these helpful entrepreneurs, the risk of doing something foolhardy like actually thinking things out for yourself without their special guidance could result in any one of these “real risks,” or combinations thereof manifesting itself: (this is their list, not mine)

“Mental Illness, Insanity, Possession, Obsession, Attachments, Hitchhikers, Walk-ins, Push-ins, Oppression, Infestation, Physical Problems, Mental Problems, Spiritual Problems, Insomnia, Agitation, Personality Changes, Loss of Time, Hearing Voices, Paranoia, Hallucinations, Animal Attacks, Slip and Fall Injuries, Getting Pushed by Entities, Assault, Fainting Spells, Unexplained Financial Difficulties, Loosing You Job, Loosing Your Friends, Loosing You Family, Loosing Your Reality, Loosing Yourself, Changes in Appearance, Loss of Electronic Equipment, Spider Bites, Allergic Reactions, Hypothermia, Exposure to the Elements, Frostbite, Loss of Faith or Belief, Unexplained Medical Issues, Depression, Eventual Hospitalization or Therapy, Divorce, Sudden Abandonment of Hygiene, Alcoholism, Sudden Drug or Substance Abuse, Self-Inflicted Trauma, Automobile Accidents, Mechanic Bills, Fires, Loss of Cell Phone Functions, Antagonising From Spirits, Demonic Attachments, Loss of Pets Lives, Family Members Affected, Death of Relatives, Loss of Happiness and Fullfillment with Everything in Life, Loss of Belief System, Arrest, Jail, Rehabilitation, Loss of Patience, Loss of Affection, Loss of Intimacy, The list goes on and on.  Your life can fall to pieces in a moment.”

Wow. Pretty awesome huh? There’s more side effects listed there than on a Clariton commercial. Sure makes me think twice before I mess with that Ouija Board I’ve benn using as a doormat. And how about those “Unexplained Financial Difficulties (UFD’s)?” I see lots of difficulties coming your way if you buy into the “Spider Bites” and “Loss of Patience” issues and feel the need to work with Dotp.com for their insight in combating those overwhelming paranormal threats. Whew. Aren’t you glad these guys are there for you? You can have a Michael Jackson Seance in your own home, but just in case you might have second thoughts about it being too real, you can always pay a little extra and get some professionally trainded paranormal  helpers to guide you through it all safely and make sure that it’s all DOP approved. These guys are becoming the Goth version of hip wedding planners.

Never mind. I could go on and on with all the Michael Jackson Seance fluff that’s churning up to overflowing out there right now, but you can Google just as easy as I can. In a warped society like ours so steeped in star worship and superstition, mediums won’t have a bigger windfall opportunity to cash in on media events like the MJ death racket for a long long time. Expect years of Elvis style sightings, MJ ghost tee-shirts, seances, death anniversary parties and every sort of macabre exploitation imaginable. It just gets deeper and deeper with no end in sight. That’s the American way!

Not one to be outdone or left out of the popular consciousness, I ‘m feeling a precognitive trance coming on right now. In fact, It may be one of the strongest precognitive trances I have ever felt too. I’m positively crackling with clairvoyant copiousness. I simply must get this missive out before it passes beyond the veil or the ethereal path – or whatever it is.  Allow me to predict:

A book will come out in the spring of 2010 revealing Micheal Jackson’s relationship with aliens from Gliese 851c who gave him secret inter-species communication access that was to be dubbed into low frequency sound bites and filtered into the arena audiences on his up-coming come back tour. This bestseller book will go on to detail how the CIA and the Bilderberger empire all conspired to murder Jackson when it became apparent that a rival undersea gray alien civilization was near completion of their own takeover bid for government supremacy with the help of dolphin researcher Ricardo Sargaminaga, whose recent Alboran Sea investigations gave positive proof that the cetacean re-generation that has been increasing in that part of the world is directly tied into a push for a new Micheal Jackson single. Micheal had to die.

So there. How’s that? It is done. Put that in your pipe and smoke it Mr. Psychic Guy. And yes Larry, I am available to talk about my prediction anytime you or Anderson Cooper are ready to sit down.

Remember: If you are planning a Halloween Seance Party; less may indeed be more. Have some class. Don’t forget to remember the little guys like Waldo.

Waldo McBurney